Why We All Need to Break Up With Online Dating

Seemed like a great idea at first, didn’t it?

Whether you’re newly single, forever searching, or entirely against online dating, you can’t deny the idea of swiping to find love is a bit intriguing.

Think about it – you don’t have even have to try anymore. Find a few pictures of yourself, throw together a short bio (or don’t), and lay in bed vegged out watching Friends for the thousandth time, stuffing your face while you look for that long lost lover. #whatatimetobealive

Ohhhh, if only it were that easy.

The truth is, online dating sucks. I mean it really sucks. You know the old saying you get out what you put in? Well, damn were they right. Sure we all lead super busy lifestyles and don’t have time to be out every night, yadda yadda yadda, but really. Are we going to believe those stupid ads that say, “more people than ever found their soulmate on -insert dating site here-“?

Everyone knows someone who found love online, but you could say the same thing about knowing someone who married their high school sweetheart. It’s the luck of the draw.  But all of this ‘swipe left, swipe right’ is getting to be more exhausting than actually getting ready and going out.

Let me break it down for you.

This is why we need to break up with online dating:

1.We match and never talk. 

Go ahead, open your Tinder or Bumble app and see how many matches you have in comparison to conversations actually started. I mean, what are we all doing this for?

I liked you, you liked me, and that’s just where we’re going to leave it. In dating world limbo. I’m starting to think this is more of a hobby than a mission.

2.It’s another full-time job.

Now they time this sh*t? You have 24 hours to say something, or else they’re gone forever? Yeah, great story. “So sweetie, your daddy could have been some hot Brazilian man, but mommy had to work for a living and missed the deadline.” WHAT?

I have things to do, papers to write, chocolate martini’s to drink. I’m not attached to my phone 24/7 and am not going to drop everything I’m doing because I got a notification that someone thought I was hot. Sorry, I’m adulting right now.

3.When you do talk, it usually goes nowhere.

Oh for the love, if I had a dollar for every “date,” I was supposed to go on, and then the person just vanished, I’d be able to just buy a damn husband. Again, what’s the point? Why are we making plans and wasting hours having good (and I use the term lightly) conversation just to never actually go through with anything?

HELLOO! Spare me the sappy bullsh*t. Either walk the walk or shut up. Ain’t nobody got time for this.

4.When you actually do go on a date…

Hey! Congrats! You’ve made it to the impossible part! After saying a few prayers that you’re not about to get catfished, you finally go on a date. Now whatever happens here is entirely on you. You’re either going to hit it off in person, or you’re going to realize you should have stayed at home and baked cookies with your dog.

Will there be a second date? Are they as great as they seemed? Finally, things are getting exciting…. took long enough.

5. The part after the date is just….no.  

The worst part of online dating. You met in person, great. But now you’re either going to need them to sh*t or get off the pot. As my best friend likes to put it, “I don’t have time for a pen pal. Make time to see me or don’t.”

If it didn’t  go well, then hey you both tried right?

But will someone explain to me what happens when you have the greatest time and then all of a sudden POOF? They just vanish.

Not only is this RUDE, but it’s frustrating beyond belief. Was it something you did? Was it something they did? Are you just that dumb?

Then there’s the, let’s make plans for a second date and never actually go on it.

Like, for real though. If people aren’t into it, then just say it. But do not stand someone up after you made plans for the second time! The first time, okay- you’re clearly just a joke. But the second time? WHY.

So in conclusion, everyone needs to go out and be open to meeting someone in person. ( I know, crazy concept). Just imagine the bar like a real-life Tinder. Not making eye contact is your left swipe and saying “Hey,” is your right.

Online dating… it’s not me, it’s you, and I’m over it.



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